Category: Social Media

Life Lessons, Parenting, Raising a Trans Child, Ranting, Social Media, Uncategorized

When Will We Listen to Trans People?

vanessavnichols

Isn’t it amazing how many advances we make in society?

Science, technology, research, medicine. Our world changes every single day. We are literally smarter than we were yesterday. We are evolving as we speak.

I mean, I sit here, typing on this invention called a computer and a keyboard, utilizing this invention called reading glasses for my aging eyes. We hold actual computers in our hands all day long. We can rule the world from our phones, y’all.
And just look at modern medicine. We have robots doing surgical procedures and tests that show radioactivity in our bodies and pharmaceuticals for anything and everything.

All of these advancements. All of this progression. Amazing, right?

Yet, here I am, just having finished defending transgender people, yet again, on social media. Responding to the “YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR GENDER WITH MEDICINE AND SURGERY”, and the “BEING TRANSGENDER ISN’T A REAL THING”, arguments.

Why is it so difficult for us to evolve socially?
How do we get so stuck in these specific ways?
Why are people so quick to pick up the new diet fad supplement that isn’t FDA approved, but condemn someone’s mere existence simply because they’re trans?
Is it religion? Fear of being wrong? Patriarchal?
What is everyone so goddamn afraid of?

Many people don’t understand why I bother engaging in these online arguments. And the answer: because allies have to.
We have to speak up more.
It’s our duty to elevate the existence of trans people.

What rocks me to my core is the hypocrisy of these folks who care so much about other people’s genitals and how others identify. This one topic, that has absolutely no bearing of their lives, that holds no weight for them, that affects them in literally zero ways, it ignites this fire in them to actively fight against and oppress and entire community of people.

All while they…

…get their hair dyed to the color of their liking.

…take medicine to cure their ailments.

…wear braces to fix their teeth.

…get Botox to fight signs of aging.

…use Viagra to get their dick up.

…surgically put silicone in the boobs to make them bigger.

…use birth control pills to prevent pregnancy or to lessen heavy periods.

…use hormone replacement therapy for menopause.

…replace their knee joint because of osteoarthritis.

I could sit here all day and list the things we do as cisgender people that “go against nature”, or doing something that “God didn’t intend”.

But, holy shit.
Someone wants to live their truth?
Someone wants to live their life in a way that makes them whole?
Someone wants to save their own life by changing their name, switching to their pronouns, maybe begin hormone therapies or have gender affirmation surgery?

Brains explode all over the place.

It defies all logic, this hypocrisy.

I will never understand why others are so overly obsessed with how people live their lives.

How many studies, reports, and medical organizations’ statements have to be released in order for people to listen to the needs of trans individuals? When will it be enough to validate their existence?

This dissonance results in such a lack of resources for the trans community, especially in more rural areas.

I cannot find a pediatrician for my son who is versed in caring for a transgender child, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics stance on the issue is clear. And by “caring for”, I simply mean the right and wrong things to say while examining my child for a sprained wrist; an office staff who have been trained on trans inclusiveness. I have to drive almost an hour for him to see a pediatric endocrinologist that has some semblance of a clue on how to care for trans kids. There is only one mental health practitioner in my county who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues.

It boggles my mind how we can be simultaneously progressed and regressed at the same time.

I’m in sales so I drive a lot, spanning about 180 mile radius. Last week, as I was driving, I couldn’t help but notice the amount of clinics in my area advertising for low testosterone/erectile dysfunction treatments. I counted 4 clinics and 4 billboards, in just one county. Just so old men can have sex.

Imagine if we treated transgender healthcare with that same respect and enthusiasm as a flaccid penis? Can you imagine the protests and backlash if there were advertisements of this sort, along the lines of “Transgender Healthcare Given Here! We Want To Help You Live Your Best Life!”…to save the lives and the emotional health of transgender people by giving them affirming care?

Flaccid penises? Can’t have that! Old men deserve sex!!!!
Emotional well being of trans people? Validate their existence and listen to them? Hard pass.

Weird parallel to draw, I know, but…problematic, skewed thinking here, isn’t it?

We are continually failing the transgender community socially and medically, therefore, emotionally. It is archaic thoughts and beliefs that continue to assault trans people. And they deserve so much more. We are a country so determined to raise mental health awareness, yet, ignore and oppress and entire community time and time again when they tell us their needs.

Progress takes time, yes. Of course. We’ve come a long way, and I’m so thankful my son was able to come out in a time when we’re talking about this more and more.

But, this work, this fight, has been going on for decades.

And here we sit, while the Supreme Court of the United States deliberates over the livelihoods of gay and trans citizens. While Obama-era protections for our trans kids are being rolled back. While the privatization of public schools is taking over, where LGBTQ+ students aren’t welcome. While teens message me everyday, telling me their parents kicked them out because they’re trans. While hate crimes are at an all time high. While trans women of color are being murdered at a disproportionate rate.

When do we listen?

When do we evolve?

When do we advance?

When do we truly evolve our minds and our hearts?

We need to get more comfortable with what makes us uncomfortable.

Be the person who looks back on your 5-year-ago self and says, “Wow. I’m so glad I’m not that person anymore. I’m so glad I evolved my thinking and challenged what I thought to be true”.

Not recognizing and validating the transgender community is as archaic as a Nokia 3310, or that believing that smoking while pregnant is healthy. The trans community desperately needs you to move on, open your minds, and see them. Their lives are depending on it.

Evolve. In all ways. You can do it.

 

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons, Parenting, Raising a Trans Child, Social Media

The 10 Things People Say to Parents of Trans Kids

vanessavnichols

Last week, our school board finally made a decision to protect our trans kids in school.

It’s been on their docket for well over a year, so it was about time.

There was an uproarious school board meeting in 2016 when one of the first trans kids came out publicly to challenge the {oh so exhausted} bathroom conversation. And the conversation continued to get louder as trans students, allies, community advocates, and parents pushed for policies and guidelines to keep our kids safe.

It took quite some time and a whole lot of conversation but the superintendent finally pushed these supportive guidelines out after ten of us spoke during September 2018 board meeting, which seemed to be his tipping point. Finally. They’re on the right side of history.

It was a big win for our small, red county in southwest Florida.

But of course, the fight is far from over.

The opposition is out in full force donning all of their ignorance and hatred. All because one uber conservative school board member dog whistled for her base to assemble. They’re digging their heels in, kicking and screaming that the guidelines are “radical”, especially because they state that parental involvement isn’t necessary if a student comes out at school; the school is to respect and honor that student, (as they should since family acceptance is not always guaranteed and home can be a flat out dangerous environment).

It’s an ongoing discussion.

And because I’m a public advocate for trans rights, specifically for students in our district, I field a ton of hatred and tongue lashings via every virtual media outlet possible. Keyboard warriors unite!

But some questions I receive are out of genuine curiosity. Questions that I believe most parents of trans kids field nearly every single day.

So, I would like to dispel some myths and hopefully even squash some outright dangerous lies. Especially since the Trump administration is attempting to erase our entire trans community by redefining gender, which scientists have fiercely rejected, yet, here we are.

Here goes.

1. You Make Your Kids Trans

Sigh.

I literally cannot get my child to do the two simple chores I ask him to do in a week. I can’t get him to brush his teeth twice a day. I can’t get him to keep his clothes neat in his drawers.

I certainly cannot make him into something he isn’t.

And I know because I tried to force him into being a girl once upon a time, before I understood what it meant to be transgender. Because I really did secretly want a girl, the gender he was assigned at birth.

I dressed him in pinks and purples with bows and headbands, up until he made his own clothing choices. And even though I allowed him to wear boy clothes as he grew, trying to support his unique character, I was still rooted in the idea that he couldn’t possibly know his gender at such a young age.

I wanted to wait and see what age would bring, despite his verbiage of feeling like a boy in his mind. Which in turn, only soaked him in shame. So much so that he was self-harming at age 8.

Once we sought professional guidance, I realized that he knew exactly who he was. He began using his new name and pronouns and like magic, he was happier, well adjusted, confident, and no longer self harming.

We don’t make our children into what they’re not. We follow their lead. Not to mention, why would we sign our kids up purposefully for a lifetime of societal rejection? That defies all logic.

They were born this way. And if you need science to prove it, there’s plenty of it.

2. They’re Too Young To Make Life Altering Decisions

Referenced above, I myself once thought that elementary aged children don’t know themselves well enough to understand their gender.

Which actually sounds ridiculous as I type this out.

Because…what age were you when you realized you were a boy or a girl?

I was 3. I loved dresses that twirled, carried around baby dolls, and embraced everything else that falls into the category of the female gender.

But more so, since it isn’t about just toys and clothes, I never had a devout misalignment between my brain and my body like our trans kids (and adults) do. I was in complete acceptance of who I was as a female in a female body.

My son was drawing himself as a male character by the age of 3 or 4, imaginary playing as male characters, begging to change his name from that same age. Because his body and his brain weren’t aligned.

So, kids know. Just as we knew.

Usually the “what if this is just a phase?!” question is asserted in this same conversation. And to that I say, “what if it is?!”. Who cares? At least I followed my child’s lead and allowed him some autonomy in exploring his gender identity. It’s really ok.

Also, we cannot confuse gender identity with sexuality. Gender doesn’t have anything to do with who we are attracted to but I believe many of us confuse the two, therefore believing kids are just too young to know themselves since sexual preference usually emerges around puberty.

Oh, and a change in name and pronouns…is not life altering, but it is life enhancing for our trans kids.

3. You’re Pumping Your Kids Full of Hormones and Mutilating Their Genitals

Um. No.

This actually makes me fucking angry.

Medical professionals are a part of our kids’ lives, as in, a trifecta of physicians including a primary care doctor, a mental health professional and an endocrinologist. And this team develops a treatment plan for our kids including talk therapy, possibly puberty blockers, which simply pause puberty since that time in life can be detrimental to our trans youth, and maybe, possibly, eventually, hormone replacement therapy that aligns with their gender identity. This usually would be prescribed in the teen years, as puberty would be occurring.

And gender confirmation surgery might be discussed as a young adult. Possibly.

Not every trans person follows the above mentioned treatment plan.

Everyone’s transition is different.

But I assure you, we are not pumping our young children full of hormones or surgically altering them.

Just no. Stop.It.

4. Being Transgender is a Mental Illness

I might hate this one the most. Not because there is anything wrong with mental illness. I live with one myself (severe anxiety).

I loathe this one because it’s used in such a dismissive, oppressive way towards the trans community.

The World Health Organization historically classified being trans as a mental illness, just as homosexuality was at one time, but it is now considered a “health condition”, solely for the purposes of allowing access to medical treatments that trans folks might choose to seek, such as hormone replacement therapy, so their body can align with their identity, so they can minimize gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria, the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex, does remain in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual as a mental health diagnosis, where professionals, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, have agreed that the only course of treatment is that of the affirmation model, meaning to guide them in transition socially, and possibly medically {hormones and/or gender confirmation surgery}, if diagnostic criteria has been met.

To put in perspective what that means- not all mental health issues listed in the DSM V have a cure per se, or aren’t exactly mental at all, such as restless leg syndrome or narcolepsy which are also listed. They require a diagnosis for a treatment plan but they’re not something to be undone or medicated even.

So, the only time mental illness comes into the conversation might be if the individual experiences anxiety or depression, which usually is the result of family, peer, or society’s rejection of them.

Family rejection remains high, unfortunately, even given all of the scientific data that supports that being transgender is, indeed, real. And statistics show that suicide rates can be as high as 58% when a young trans person is rejected by their family, comparatively to 4% if accepted.

And of course, most of us acknowledge that the general population remains grossly undereducated on this subject, which results in stressful social situations, which can certainly contribute to emotional distress.

So, we have to do better about educating one another. And stop the stigmas.

5. You’re Pushing Your Liberal Agenda

I’m not even sure what this means but I hear it all.of.the.time.

The way I translate this is, “we need to just ignore this entire community to preserve everything we view as ‘normal’ because it threatens the patriarchy”.

But I doubt anyone would own my interpretation.

So, what I’ll say is- ok. Sure.

Our “liberal agenda” consists of fighting for equality for our kids and for all trans people. Because they’re American citizens and they deserve some equity in society. And they need to stop being “other-ed” by society.

Our kids aren’t political pawns. They’re humans. And because they do happen to be trans, they need advocates fighting for their basic civil rights.

If that’s “pushing a liberal agenda”, yep. You’re right. That’s what we’re up to.

We prefer the term “social justice warriors”, but potato, pata-toe. “Liberal agenda” will work.

6. I Don’t Understand What it Means to be Transgender

This sounds innocent enough, innocuous even. And I’m always, always happy to educate when I hear these words.

But this usually results in people steering clear of the scary family with a trans kid. They might not outwardly spew hate, they might even do a great job of tolerating us, but because they’re not educated, they keep at an arm’s length.

Which is fine. But personally, I would rather they ask questions, even if they’re invasive.

Questions are good. Sticking your head in the sand is bad.

7. What Will I Ever Tell My Cis (non trans) Kids?!

This is an easier question to answer than it sounds.

Kids are easy. And whether you are onboard with what it means to be trans or not, you frankly don’t need to say much.

It’s as simple as, “well, little Sally, your friend at school who you’ve known as Lily is now going by the name of Dylan and will be using he and him instead of she and her. He feels like a boy in his heart and brain and so this is honoring him. Try your best to respect his new name and pronouns. It’s ok if you make a mistake. Just gently correct yourself”.

And, like magic, kids will simply say…”Ok!”.

That’s usually that.

Yes, really.

The remainder of the conversation is really up to you and how much you want to explain.

There are some great books available for young kids. And older middle and high school kids, trust me when I tell you that they already know.

Because kids are very accepting and loving.

It’s the parents that teach bigotry and hatred.

Keep the conversation simple and honest.

8. You and Your Child Are Going To Hell

I cant even with the religion conversation. And I hate the phrase “I can’t even”.

There’s so many things in the Bible that aren’t honored on a daily basis, like, hello, you’re not supposed to touch the skin of a pig? Or be around a woman on her period? And you’re supposed to gouge a man’s eyes out if they force him to sin?

Get the hell out of here. No pun intended.

But other than that, my God wouldn’t want you to be an asshole. He would want you to be accepting and loving and He will sort us all out.

And yes, God does make mistakes so don’t come at me with that shit either about Him “not making mistakes”.

We have glasses for bad eyesight, braces for bad teeth, hair color for grey aging, and so on. Sometimes, bodies aren’t perfect in terms of how we see ourselves. And trans people are no exception.

God loves everyone. Full stop.

9. If Your Child Has A Penis, They Are Male, A Vagina, They Are Female

First, the obsession with genitals is alarming. It’s very strange to me when grown adults talk about children’s genitals.

But if you must, I’ll engage.

This is fake news.

Because, did you know that 1 out of 1500 babies are born intersex, which means they have sex characteristics of both male and female, such as a penis and ovaries.

Which gender are they?

Unfortunately, for many years, doctors were making that decision and surgically modifying these babies at birth…only to choose the wrong gender in some cases. Some intersex people never even knew this about themselves. Some that do are very private about it.

All of this to say, genitals do not always determine gender. Even though many of us do identify with the gender assigned at birth, gender lives in the brain. And science, once again, has drilled down on this with research.

10. But! Bathrooms!

I know, I know. You don’t want your precious girl in the bathroom with a penis lurking.

This whole bathroom debate is a complete fallacy with zero substance.

Studies have shown that not one incident is on record of a trans person perpetrating in a bathroom. Not one. Cis men are the ones we need to watch out for. Not trans people.

When is the last time you saw someone’s genitals in a bathroom anyway? I never have. Because I go in the bathroom to do my business.

And I have news for you- you’ve shared a bathroom with a trans person whether you realize it or not. That’s a fact.

But the bathroom debate that was sparked a few years back, and just won’t die, is all a distraction and aimed to continue to the oppression of and discrimination towards trans people. There’s no other basis for it to exist.

Not to mention, when my child was still identifying as female, he was policed in bathrooms constantly since he presents in such a masculine way. Everyone assumed he was a boy and would call him out when he was SEVEN YEARS OLD.

This is unacceptable. Don’t police genitals, friends. It’s weird. It’s creepy. It’s unnecessary.

And if you’re along this line of thinking, shouldn’t you also be concerned about gay and lesbians in bathrooms? I mean, they’re attracted to the same sex, yet they miraculously don’t go around humping and molesting in bathrooms. Because they’re far more focused on peeing.

And if you’re worried about high school locker rooms and kids seeing the opposite sex genitals, our tran kids are very private about their bodies. They’re acutely aware that their bodies and brains aren’t aligned. They tend to use the stalls. And again, I never saw any genitals in my years of changing into my PE clothing.

So, please. Just take a shit, pee, change your clothes, whatever, be sure to wash your hands and exit the bathroom. That’s is all.

*******

Whew. That was information overload. But all very necessary to work through for those that need to catch up.

We are in desperate need of an education so we can see more allies rising up for this amazing, resilient community.

Our kids are the bravest of the brave and we, as their parents, are the fiercest of the fierce.

Once you break down your biases, challenge everything you’ve known in terms of gender, and get to know our kids, get to know our families, you’ll find that are all the same, navigating this thing called life. Doing the best we can.

No matter what happens in the world, our trans kids will always exist and we mama and papa bears will always love, support and advocate for them.

Life Lessons, Parenting, Politics, Social Media, Uncategorized

About That Letter. A Follow Up.

vanessavnichols

Well. Wow.

Hi.

I’m Vanessa. Welcome to my tiny space on the internet.

One week ago, I wrote an open letter to teachers that went viral. It had an organic reach of over 500,000 views in 4 days, which is giant for this little blog. (For reference, 2000 views per post is average for me.) Love What Matters also picked it up and was able to reach even more for me, to get my message to educators. And it’s still racking up the views as I type.

I’ve never had a post go “viral” from my blog. Many of my most popular writings were republished on online journal outlets, such as Scary Mommy, BLUNT Moms, etc., but never have I written anything that reached the masses from this space. I am one small whisper in the loud, vast chatter of the blogging world.

I was shocked that this specific post resonated with so many people. I didn’t feel like it was so wonderfully written or anything special. And this isn’t me just being humble. This is me saying that it wasn’t that unique but the reason why it touched so many is simple:

Teachers do not get the recognition and accolades and appreciation that they deserve. Ever. And they were just grateful to have someone say “thank you”.

I’ve been sitting with that all week.

It’s incredibly heartbreaking to me that we forget about the most important people in our world. The special humans that chose to make their life’s work about bettering our entire society: teachers, first responders, and social workers are the first that come to mind for me. Of course, our military, too. We forget to thank them and we forget to respect them. And none of these professions make nearly enough money to do what they do. They do it for the greater good. They do it for their passion.

And the comments I received, the messages, the emails, from teachers on that post were sobering. I need to share a few to drive this home for everyone. (I want to share all 200 of them but I chose the ones that hit me the hardest.):

~~~~~~

*I absolutely would protect my students if that’s what it came to because that’s my job when their parents aren’t there. I just hope my own family will forgive me and understand my love for my students didn’t outweigh my love for them if something would ever happen to me in the line of duty.

~~~~~~~

*Thank you for this. I retired at the end of last year after 33 years. I chose to work in high poverty areas. These areas are also rife with abuses of all sorts. I can remember having to have a discussion with my fourth graders after a shooting. They were scared. As their teacher, I didn’t know what to say. They knew I would die defending them if I needed to. I loved my job, but I realized the stress was getting to my health and it was time for me to go. I visit 2 of my old schools and just hate that we have to buzz people in because we can’t be sure about anyone. It is a sad day and most teachers I know around where I live do not want to be armed. They want to do their jobs without fear. My heart breaks reading some of the ignorant comments from people who think the job is soooo easy. I asked a person once to come sit and watch what I do after they criticized teachers in general. Their reply was something I can’t put in my print.

~~~~~~~

*Thank you for this. I had a shooting at my school more than 22 years ago – it was a parent to a staff member (no one was injured) but the students saw this and a shotgun slug shot was fired into an empty classroom. I have been a teacher for more than 30 years and every time these events happens, I look over my shoulder or out my classroom windows twice just to make sure I am aware of my surroundings. More and more teachers are leaving because people with feelings opposite of yours are pounding teachers efficacy into the ground. The general public hasn’t a clue what teachers actually do and due to confidentiality, we cannot share the most serious and detailed parts of our jobs. We need more people like you sharing these thoughts and feelings with the world and with those who make education policies. Thank you again for this, it will be shared with fellow teachers.

~~~~~~~

*I love teaching and wouldn’t change anything about my career path. But as a teacher I feel society’s loathing of us every day. We are disrespected and hated. Society does not want their tax increases to go toward our salaries, school supplies, buildings, etc. Unfortunately, society only cares about teachers when they are shielding students from bullets.

~~~~~~

*I received this immediately after leaving a memorial service for one of the children killed in Parkland. I sat in my car, and cried thanking The Holy One that someone could put into words what lay so heavy on my heart. I immediately shared this with the teachers at my grandsons’ school. I pray that it will bring them comfort.

~~~~~~

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I am crying rereading these.

I cannot imagine feeling so under appreciated and ridiculed in a profession that very few are willing or able to do.

What this experience did for me was gave me even more appreciation to those that are molding our future generations. It made want to shower them with praise. It made me recoil on my annoyance of homework and projects and realize they are absolutely just doing their job. It gave me even more compassion for these special souls that get up everyday to meet our children and care for them almost as much as I do.

So, hey, everyone with a child in school: please, please say “thank you” to their teachers. Somehow. Words, letters, emails, coffee, gifts, chocolate, whatever. Just please, say thank you.

And thanks to all of you that read my letter and reacted with such love and positivity. I’m honored to have made it to so many of you.

Oh, and, lastly, to those that accused me of fear mongering or made this into a gun debate, let me be clear that my sole intention was to thank teachers for all they do. I don’t care which side of the gun debate fence they’re on, I don’t care which side of the political fence they’re on, I simply wanted to say thank you.

With or without the threat of gun violence, they are amazing humans that deserved to be recognized. Full stop.

Life Lessons, Parenting, Ranting, Social Media

The Bullies Have Arrived. And I’m Ready To Use My Words.

vanessavnichols

My daughter was bullied for the first time two weeks ago.

Unfortunately , I’m not surprised. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less as a mom.

When you’re a little girl that appears to be a boy, when you don’t fit into a perfect little societal norm box in this hateful world, bullies will find you.

She was on a play date in a different neighborhood. Her and her friends went to the community’s playground and met two boys around the ages of 10-12.

All started out well and fine, they all played together, until they didn’t.

The two boys began picking on my daughter, before even knowing she was a girl, making fun of her clothes, her shoes, her hair. When she corrected one of them for calling her an “ugly boy”, telling them she was a girl, they then called her a “tranny”, a freak, a fag, and gay. None of such terms were even understood by my child. Because she’s 8 and ignorant to such slurs and hatred.

She handled it well enough. She talked it out with me when I picked her up. She asked a lot of questions about the words they used and just seemed overall confused, but not overly sad.

She is the type to stuff emotions a little bit so I’m not sure the validity to her dismissive attitude but I was proud of her strength. We keep open communication about the incident and I made sure to tell her that these boys were just mean because they didn’t understand her and that they must have felt bad and ugly inside to do that to someone else, to which she responded well.

As for me? I didn’t handle it quite as gracefully.

I was so sad. I am so sad.

This is a tough pill to swallow for a parent. This bullying epidemic is some scary shit, especially when you bring the notion of social media into the conversation. It’s fucking terrifying.

I analyzed the incident for days. And by analyzed , I mean obsessed over it. And by obsessed over it, I mean I lost sleep, I cried and I thought about running away with my child somewhere it feels safer than this. Anywhere that posed promise for more open mindedness.

Because I know this won’t be the last bullying incident. I knew this was coming and it was the day I dreaded for years.

When my daughter’s gender identity adventures began at a very young age, of course I was hoping it was a phase. Of course I was.

Who would want their child to have a more difficult life? Who would want their child to be different, to stand out, to struggle? No one. Absolutely not one parent on the face of the earth.

But alas, she continued to express herself in the same patterns: “boy” toys, “boy” clothes, “boy” haircut, all with a bit of a masculine nuance to her mannerisms since age 4.

I’ve never labeled her transgender, as I’ve written and talked about publicly. Let me be clear here and interject- I would label her transgender, and let her socially transition, if she asserted herself that way, if she affirmed that in her heart she feels like a boy, if she ever went into depression or anxiety over it, or if she attempted suicide over it as many young children do when they’re trans. Because I now know that being trans a science based fact, because I’ve done my research, because I know families that have had a suicidal 7 year old because their brain doesn’t match their genitalia.

But thus far, that hasn’t been the case. We keep an open dialogue and yes, she sees someone that specializes in gender issues. Because it’s confusing as fuck, for her and more so for me. This is not a made up thing.

So, for now, she’s a girl with a very feminine name who looks like a boy and confuses so many strangers.

Which is where the bullies will continue to dive in. Because they’re afraid. Because whether you’re a child, a teen, a young adult, or full grown, fear breeds ignorance and ignorance breeds terrible behavior, as we have all been privileged to witnessing.

People are afraid of things and issues and other people that they don’t understand. They’re afraid and they react out of that fear. And the bullies aren’t taught to filter that out by their parents. Ignorance is perpetuated in their homes, it’s learned behavior. And that behavior translates into hatefulness. Just look around social media. Adults are the absolute worst offenders.

People ask me all of the time. “why do you write about this? Why do you put this information out to the universe to get scrutinized?”.

And all of this analysis of this first bullying incident solidified my answer- to preach the word of kindness. To maybe, just maybe, educate one person on what it is that makes my child different. To advocate for all differences.

I posted a little blurb about this incident on my personal Facebook page, trying to spread a message of kindness and teaching children to not say anything if they don’t have anything nice to say.

I received a private message from a person I knew from high school who stated that I set my child up for this bullying, that this is my fault, because I “let her dress like a boy”. To which I replied, I simply will not shove my child’s wants and needs aside, force her into a box, for the comfort of everyone else. No way. That would certainly make it better for everyone else wouldn’t it? But that is not allowing my child room to be who she is. That is not setting her up on a solid foundation.

She is who she is.

And that’s why I write.

For her.

To create a better world for her the only way I know how.

And to those that believe writing about this topic is over exposing her- that’s a fair concern but listen, she will grow up knowing her mother is a fighter for equality. And I hope that makes her proud. I will absolutely stop writing about this the moment she asks me to.

But in the meantime, I will fight for a better place for her to exist just how she is. Her authentic self. I will use my writing as a super power of education and plea for kindness.

And hope for a day where acceptance is commonplace and bullies have no place in the world.

A mama can hope. A mama will fight.

Life Lessons, Parenting, Ranting, Social Media, Uncategorized

Things I Miss.

vanessavnichols

I complain about social media a lot. And I complain about technology and all of the negative aspects of it.

I also spend approximately 80% of my day on my technology or social media.

It’s a complex, toxic, love/hate relationship, right?

But, seriously. I see how problematic it is and I see how beneficial it is.

It especially worries me for my child’s generation. I fear we’re creating a generation of zombies and dumbasses since these neat little gadgets have become our children’s babysitters (and I am guilty AF).

So, this got me thinking. My childhood was so much less complex and so much more boring.

I miss…

…the days of staying outside and playing until the fireflies told us to go home.

…the days when the terms “helicopter parent” and “social anxiety” weren’t widely known or acknowledged.

…the days of having a phone plugged into the wall and the cord would be all stretched out from trying to walk from room to room.

…the days of Super Mario Bros. being the only form of screen time.

…the days when MTV actually played music videos and The Real World had actual content of college kids making something of themselves, discussing real world issues, instead of just getting wasted drunk and fucking.

…the days of simple seated portraits being an acceptable form of photography, opposed to all of these fancy locations with the wind having to blow in the right direction.

…the days of cell phone minute packages so we actually had to care about how much time we spent on the phone. (I had an Erikson and then a Nokia, FYI.)

…the days of writing notes in class and folding them in the most creative ways possible.

…the days before texting was a thing and people actually had to speak so things weren’t lost in translation.

…the days of not knowing where someone was because they didn’t have a cell phone yet.

…the days of spelling things out with numbers on beepers.

…the days of spending summers reading Sweet Valley High, The Babysitters Club, and Ramona books.

…the days of flannels and grunge clothes that didn’t show ass cheeks.

…the days when The Kardashians weren’t societal icons and middle school kids weren’t so concerned with make-up and lip plumpers.

…the days when rock music actually existed.

…the days when people actually had to have talent to make a healthy living instead of just playing mindless games on YouTube.

…the days when infidelity was the biggest scandal in government.

…the days when bullies actually had to be a dick to your face instead of hiding behind a keyboard, both adults and children.

…the days when selfies weren’t called selfies. They were just pictures you took with your disposable camera and hoped for the best; had them printed and then shoved them in an album.

…the days of rewinding your favorite song in that yellow Sony Walkman.

…the days of actual humorous sitcoms. (Remember T.G.I.F.??)

…the days when the most violent video game was The Legends of Zelda.

…the days of not knowing everyone’s eating, drinking, pooping habits, their political affiliation, and what inspirational quote they’re living by for today via Facebook.

…the days when we all weren’t instantly gratified by every.single.thing. because every answer to everything is in our hand.

And that’s just to name a few.

I’m starting to feel every ounce of my 40 years of age, saying things like, “Well, back in my day, we had an ETCH-A-SCKETCH and that was it!!”. But it’s true. My generation was so much better off than recent generations, I do believe. We were forced to be creative. And we even had actual books and libraries and encyclopedias. Nothing was instanious. Everything required a little bit of work. Mind blowing, right?

We just had a simpler life. Period. They were simpler times. Or so it seemed.

All of this technology is supposed to be making our lives so much better, so much more convenient, and sure, in many ways it is. I love Google Maps, instead of paper maps, and I don’t miss having to find a pay phone. But it certainly has complicated our lives in so many ways.

The irony isn’t lost on me that you’re probably reading this on your smart-technolgy, linked off of a social media site. I get it. As I stare at my child sitting on the couch watching YouTube on our TV.

I get it.

I love it just as much as the next person. I’ve relented to it, allowed it to meld right into my life, for sure.

Perhaps every generation says this, and I know it’s all relative, but I sure do miss the good ole days. I have officially reached the age of saying so.

generation2

 

 

Life Lessons, Parenting, Ranting, Social Media, Uncategorized

My 9 Reasons Why I’m Not Sure “13 Reasons Why” Should Be Glorified

vanessavnichols

(Warning: SPOILERS. Stop reading if you haven’t watched this series and intend to.)

Seriously.

Spoilers.

Lots of them.

13 Reasons Why.

Everyone had been buzzing about this show and I admit, I was immediately sucked in and finished the series in just three nights. At first, I praised the show, thinking I gained something from it as a mom, some understanding about how the teenage years work these days.

But the truth is, after I allowed the show to haunt me for two days after completing it, and after I’ve sat with it for over a week now, I now realize that I’m not particularly fond of some of it, and yet, some of it I feel is so necessary to discuss. I’m very torn which means it must be worth discussing. I don’t know that it’s at all helpful for parents or teens to watch… but it does bring up so many fantastic talking points that are so necessary to unpack.

And here are my 9 Reasons Why I think it might, or might not, be a bad idea to watch Hannah Baker’s version of suicide. Here’s what’s right and what’s wrong about it from a novice perspective:

1.) The theme of revenge.

Listen, I am not a suicide expert. I have never been suicidal, thankfully, but I have known a few people that had taken their lives at a very young age; I have been close to suicide professionally as well. And not one of them seemingly did it for revenge alone. They did it because there was so much darkness and hopelessness in their soul. They wanted their pain to end. They felt there was no place in this world for them. But. There was no specific, direct blame implicated.

Based on Hannah’s tapes left for her 13 reasons why she carried out her suicide, she was directly blaming specific incidents, and further more, the individuals behind the incidents, for taking her own life as opposed to the incidents adding to her darkness of depression. I believe those are two very different things. This idea that these 13 people (well, 12 since Justin had 2 tapes) were to blame does not make sense in the grand scheme of an actual act of suicide. It’s about being unable to bear the pain of life any longer for those that commit suicide. Their feelings surrounding certain life shattering events certainly may play into suicidal tendencies, I’m certain, but this message of blame feel dangerous in this series.

A dark, yet somehow cute, endearing way to get a message from beyond the grave using a cassette tape project seems somehow glorifying and intriguing (obviously, to get us to watch), not accurate or preventative. I do not believe a suicidal person would revengefully leave a message of blame, per se.

Suicide is about inner turmoil, it’s about mental health, not revenge alone.

2.) The darkness of depression.

Although I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, I have experienced depression. And it’s so very dark and hallow and isolated. Hannah’s feelings were constantly hurt by her peer interactions, which can certainly contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety, but the series seemed to lack that depth and complexity into her soul. It focused far too much on the behaviors of others.

I get it. They were trying to send a message of self-awareness and being kind, but if you want to talk about suicide, you have a responsibility to talk about the dark depression, isolation, and hopelessness that goes hand in hand. It lacked this content. I wanted to see deeper into her. It was left too surface, too shallow.

3.) The graphic nature.

It’s my belief that many suicidal teens watched this show and will now copycat Hannah’s death. The whole scene: the tapes, the razors, the bath…

Suicide does not own a ton of logic because the depression speaks and carries out the act, so suicidal kids might see this as a vehicle, and not exactly as a tool for learning compassion or as a preventative to their own suicide.

It’s my hope that some got the message to be more kind but my fear is that more will use this as a way to send a message within their own execution. Teens just work like that. They’re egocentric. Their mindset is on the now. They don’t see much past tomorrow. And they’re dramatic. I do not think, for one solid second, that it was necessary to see her carry out the act of slicing her wrists and bleeding out.

Why, Netflix, was this at all necessary? If this was to raise suicide awareness, couldn’t it have been assumed? The raw effect had very little bearing on the impact of the message.

4.) Rape culture.

This was a huge theme throughout the series and one of the most crucial talking points for kids and teens. 1 out of 6 women will be raped, or attempted to be raped, in their lifetime. We must talk about it. It’s not getting any better and we actually are getting more desensitized to it. It certainly starts in these tender teenage years.

I believe this series got it mostly right in this realm. I believe the graphic rape scenes were necessary. Rape looks different in many situations. I believe both date rapes in the series show how it’s not as easy as simply saying “no” or fighting back aggressively.

It’s not about the victim, it’s about the rapist. It’s about power. It’s about control. And I believe that was accurately portrayed. The way victims of rape are treated was also accurate. Society loves to immediately victim blame when it comes to rape and we all felt like Hannah lost so much of her soul being in that room during Jessica’s rape and then being raped herself.

I am certain that many that watched this said such things as, “Why did Hannah go to Bryce’s that night if she knew he was a rapist?”, “Why didn’t Hannah fight more during her rape?”, these are important talking points for our kids, important for the directed conversation to be on the rapist, not the victim.

For me, the series could have been based on this rape culture effect alone, without the suicide, and it would have been fabulous. We need to talk about it. We need to talk to our young men about it. We need to make changes, big changes, in this space.

5.) Glorification of the Jocks.

I could write an entire post on my qualms with organized sports, especially male sports, and the adverse effect that it has on our children. So many people praise the positives that come from being “coachable”, and yes, there are some wonderful things that stem from being a part of a team, but one hugely ignored disadvantage is how we glorify these athletes and send them the message from such a young age that if they’re good at this one specific thing, this sport, that their worth immediately increases exponentially. More so than academia, more so than any other activity known to man. They’re paid the most in the professional sector, they’re idolized the most. They can do no wrong, shy of actually being convicted of murder. And it becomes so desirable at such a young age.

Teachers and coaches tend to give athletes special privileges, which is where it begins, where these athletes then don’t have to be as accountable for their actions. Bad grade on a test? Ah, it’s because there was a big game last night. Let’s look past it. Skipped class? Oh, that’s because you have to do some extra batting practice, no worries. All excusable.

This isn’t new. This has been a thing probably since the beginning of time. But does our society see the danger? Do we recognize how it’s contributing to rape culture and violence? We give these boys power when they’re the star of the team, we’re defining their worth by this. When this is the only message they hear, when this is where the importance is focused, this power becomes confusing in a young mind. It becomes too much. That power then tends to be abused by so many. I felt the series did a pretty good job recognizing this but I’m not quite sure that many see this correlation and the danger here.

6.) Bullying.

Bullying is clearly such a hot topic, especially with the horrors of social media’s contribution. The online community has made it brutal to be a teen, more so than it already was. I do not envy our children growing up in a society where they’re constantly looking for a reward when they open their smart phone. How many likes? How many comments? How many followers? So.very.dangerous. to one’s psyche.

It was clear that this was the underlying message of the series. Bullying is bad and terrible and hurtful and damaging.

But I thought they could have done better.

Hannah was well liked, all in all. Even after unfortunate pictures would circulate, Hannah still managed to be in with the “popular” crowd, have boys fawning after her, and had friendships. Many of Hannah’s “reasons” revolved around her sexual reputation, her sexual interactions, her sexual encounters and relationships.

Those that committed suicide when I was young might have been liked by some…but they weren’t noticed by many. They were invisible. Hannah wasn’t invisible. She didn’t shrink down. She never went unnoticed.

Bullying is isolating. Bullying is usually relentless. And bullying doesn’t always have to do with sex. I had a hard time believing Hannah was bullied in the specific sense of the word. She was sexually assaulted and treated unkindly at times, but I don’t know that this series should claim to target bullying. I felt conflicted by the messages.

7.) Hannah.

Hannah’s lack of self awareness bothered me the entire time. She was a victim of a lot of unfortunate circumstances, yes, but she also failed to recognize how she could have owned some responsibility, even within her own suicide. The series gave the ideation that reputation supersedes everything for every single teen in high school. I don’t believe that to be true. And Hannah’s character wanted to fit in, yes, I see that, but she was unapologetic about also being who she was…which was confusing as to how it led her to suicide.

It isn’t lost on me that this might be the aspect of suicide that I just don’t understand, however, Hannah never once mentioned herself in her own demise. She did not seem to be self loathing and I believe that’s an important component of a suicidal person. She seemed to fall more into the stereotype that suicide is a selfish act and that’s definitely problematic if we’re talking about awareness.

8.) Peer pressure.

Peer pressure is still very alive and well, probably more so than ever. Social influences are pressing our kids to grow up much too fast and kids are feeling that pressure to keep up. It’s not just alcohol and drugs anymore. It’s looking a certain way with plump lips, a tiny waist and big boobs at a very young age. It’s having the latest technology and the right hairstyle. It’s so much more than the generation before.

I believe that bullying and peer pressure are easily confused at times and have to be differentiated. However, they are certainly also intertwined at times.

Alex shot himself at the end, which was a bit of a surprise to me and it left me to assume that it was the peer pressure that maxed him out and caused his stress and depression. I believe he was actually the character we should focus on. He was more of the silent bystander of sorts. He was the one that just wanted to fit in, all while being picked on and pressured. I believe he sent the more accurate message of awareness.

9.) Netflix.

I wish you would have done better, Netflix. At the end of the day, I know this was supposed to be entertainment and you had a lot of great components here worthy of some awesome discussions, but where you lacked was the appropriate content to actually bring awareness to suicide and suicide prevention. I think you missed the mark. You did a fabulous job of scaring parents, for sure, and for that, perhaps the goal was achieved. We are aware that teens are scarier than ever before, so thank you. But all in all, I think you failed our teens with an overall conflicting message.

***********

For a far, far better watch with your teens, check out Audrie and Daisy. Real life stories of sexual assault and suicide.

Educate yourself here on suicide statistics.

And for parents, I found this link helpful.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons, Parenting, Social Media

Being a Champion is Tricky Business. Being a Parent is Even Trickier.

vanessavnichols

If you’ve been following my writing, you know that I’m an open book, for better or worse. I’ve said it a million times and I will say it again: I write to connect with people. I write on divorce, motherhood, relationships, personal life events, kindness, and acceptance. Nothing new here. Nothing extremely unique. Just another voice amongst the chatter, mostly vying for a better place for my child to grow up in.

I know this platform isn’t for everyone. Not everyone understands why I put myself out there on display, and in some opinion, take my child along with me. I get that it’s not for everyone. I get it.  I respect it.

My post about the possibility of Lily being transgender was published on Scary Mommy in August of 2015. I thought long and hard about publishing it. It was a well thought out decision.

For me, love won. The love that I have for Lily won. Since, at that time, Lily had started to be called out on being different by other children and I had started to be called out on “allowing” her to be different, I not only wanted to connect with others like me but I also wanted to spread a message of kindness, acceptance and love.

It was received with mixed feedback, mostly because I don’t even believe that most people read these entire pieces when they’re published. They read a sensationalized title of, “My Daughter Might be Transgender…and I am Terrified” (a title given by Scary Mommy), and people make assumptions, draw conclusions, just from that one line. Maybe they skim it a little, maybe they do read the whole thing. Of course it’s going to be met with some mixed emotions based off of the title and content. But I felt the message was important. It was raw and it was real.

And I was right. People connected with me. I had dozens of other moms reach out to me to express they’re in the same surprising, challenging (at times) position of parenting a non-gender conforming child. It was shared thousands of times and read by over 40,000 people. I connected with beautiful people that are just as scared for their child as I am mine. That love and nurture their child, just as I do. That try to do the very best goddamn parenting job that they possibly can, just like I do.

It made me feel comforted and so not alone in this unique parenting challenge.

To my surprise thereafter, I was contacted by several other media outlets that wanted to interview me after this piece ran. Some I declined immediately, some I entertained.

I was approached by a media outlet based out of the U.K. in August of this year that wanted to do a 5 minute video interview with Lily and I. I was told it was going to be a part of their “Gender Neutral Parenting” segment on their Youtube channel. They shared some of the other videos within that category, other testimonials by parents like me. Some I loved, some I thought could have been done better, but overall, I liked the idea.

I thought about it for 4 weeks. I actually had turned down the opportunity immediately but then they revisited it with me, convincing me that this is a great way to get a message out there.  I discussed it with family members, carefully weighed the risks, discussed it at a 7 year old level with Lily, and ultimately decided I wanted to be a part of it. I saw it as another opportunity to spread acceptance and kindness. This company sold me on the idea.

When they sent the video to me for approval, I loved it. It was beautifully done. It conveyed my message well, the title was appropriate and the content was great. There were a few things left out that I would have liked added but overall, we came to, what I thought, was an agreement to run it.

Similar to my Scary Mommy piece, it was a message of losing labels, a message of kindness, acceptance, and letting kids explore themselves but also letting them just be kids.I wanted to be a champion for these kids and these parents. I wanted to be a voice of advocacy and normalizing this a bit.

Here’s the link that was sent to me for approval. This is what I want you all to see. (You will have to put a password in: bm_K1dTr4n.)

The part of the filming that I wish they would have included was the question of “How does Lily know about gender reassignment?”. I get scrutinized on this often. Here’s how: Lily has asked several times if she can become a boy. Never wanting to lie to her, I always kept my answers vague by saying “Well, babe. When you’re older, you can be lots of different things”.

And then Caitlyn Jenner came along. Lily saw her on a magazine cover, or possibly on TV, asked if it was a boy dressed as a girl, and I answered honestly”Yes. She was born a boy but decided as an adult she wanted to become a girl”. This came with many questions that I answered to the absolute best of my abilities. This is real shit, friends. These are real conversations with my child who has struggled with gender identity since she was very small.

The video was ran. It was ran with a very different title on a very different segment of this media company’s YouTube channel. The video itself is even narrated differently with things I never said. I don’t want to link it here because I’m not proud of it and the comments under it were absolutely brutal. It’s not the look I was going for.

Unbeknownst to me, our story was also sold to British tabloids and twisted into a bit of a message I didn’t want to send. Something I didn’t even imagine could happen. Rookie mistakes. I didn’t ask the right questions and obviously wasn’t working with the proper media outlet. I now feel like I put my child on display in a negative light. It was never my intention (and no, I didn’t get paid for this filming).

I’m not defending myself here, or explaining myself, for empathy or pity, or even for validation. No. I’m defending my message and my choice to speak out the way I do.

Being a champion of anything is hard work. It takes dedication, vigilance, a strong back bone. I’m learning as I go with social media, writing, and sharing my life with the masses. I’m navigating ways to do this without having a lasting effect on my child. I’m learning. It’s tricky to balance wanting to get a message out there with also doing the right thing. Some of it is absolutely trial and error. This video was an error. I don’t give any fucks if people are chatting behind my back about this. No fucks at all given. If you’re judging me on my parenting, congratulations of being a perfect parent and knowing all of the answers. If you’re judging me on my writing and my openness, I accept that.

I just want Lily to be unscathed. That is all.

So, I guess this is another message of kindness. Remember that not everything you see online is real… but there are real people with real feelings behind the keyboards. Don’t let your keyboard make you brave, hateful, or overly judgmental. The media loves to do this. They love to create a divide.

I’m still proud of my message and even more proud of Lily for simply being her. Who she wants to be. She is leading me into a path of so much learning, I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am.

But, my lesson has been learned. I will champion kindness through other ways. No more British media for us. But I will continue to unapologetically write what I feel suitable, share what I feel worth sharing and be a champion for kindness, tolerance, and acceptance.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

 

 

Politics, Social Media, Uncategorized

The Distraction Called ‘Election Year’

vanessavnichols

Is it over? Can I come out yet?

No. Apparently not. My social media feeds are telling me it’s not safe yet.

Hasn’t it all been awful?

Trump.
Clinton.
Racism.
Emails.
Misogyny.
Emails.
Bigotry.
Emails.
Pussy grabbing.
Emails.
Trump University fraud.
Emails.
4000+ law suits.
Emails.
Homophobia.
Emails.

I mean, no matter what side of the fence you’re on, it’s  been awful. Ok, maybe a little bit more on one side than the other, in my opinion. But I digress.

Here’s the thing: it’s over. The election is over. It was terrible and awful and unprecedented. But it’s over. And it’s all been such a huge distraction and many of us are losing sight.

We all picked a side. That’s what it’s about. Our government was designed that way. Republican or Democrat. Conservative or Liberal. We all are categorized and labeled to everyone’s comfort.  We are all then grossly generalized by these respective labels.

The one unique, not so subtle, elephant in the room (no pun intended) with this election is that one of the candidates was more anti-establishment appearing. Anti-policy, perhaps. He went after a silent majority, in large, people that have never voted in their entire lives, promising change, promising a different government, promising big things. How these things will be achieved has yet to be seen, let alone actually discussed or laid out in a plan, put he has promised. People have hung their hat on him since many trust a white business man over a female politician, apparently, and that’s their right to do so.

But, friends. This, this presidential campaigning, is all a distraction from real life and has brought out so much ugliness. This is somewhat like getting caught up in some soap opera that we’re desperately wanting to see unfold. We can’t wait to see the next episode.

All of us were privileged to the kind words of both candidates immediately following the election. Clinton urging Americans to embrace the change as best they can, especially with the eloquence of her concession speech, and Trump commending Clinton in his acceptance speech, thanking her for her years of service to this country, after absolutely ravaging her character for over a year. Paul Ryan now sitting next to Trump, promising the nation great thing, after Ryan vehemently spoke against Trump. And so on. Now everyone in government is suddenly copacetic, sitting in their offices figuring out what’s next on their agendas, collecting their much larger paycheck than mine; business as usual. Funny how that works.

Meanwhile, us, the average Americans are angry. All of us.

The Clinton supporters, in shock that this was the result when it was supposed to be a slam dunk, the fear of what will happen to so many individuals’ rights.The violent protests of some Clinton supporters, even though these might have been some of the same people that were fearful and angry that Trump said he wouldn’t concede if he lost the election. Trust me, I understand what they’re protesting. It isn’t the loss and the display of sore losers. I get it. But is it productive? I’m not so sure.

The Trump supporters bashing the grief of the Clinton supporters, telling them all to “Suck it up! Support democracy!”, although, most didn’t want to do so when the FBI cleared Clinton more than once in supposed email scandal. I’ve also continue to see such hateful memes and bullying on this side of the fence. Social media is one of the biggest culprits of creating divisiveness, and has been this entire election, continuing to pit sides.

Hypocrisy is abounding. Everyone is angry.We all want answers. We’re all turning on one another. Still.

They ignited a fire in us. We’re left to put out the flames.

My pleas to us:

Clinton supporters: take your time and grieve. Please do. Process your fears. I certainly am. But channel it. Channel the grief. Get involved in local government, sign petitions, make safe moves to protect rights. Be proactive. Be the change. I am assuming that I don’t know any of you personally that are violently protesting but please, please stop. Peaceful. Practice what we preach.

Trump supporters: Please, allow your Clinton supporting friends their time to process, be angry, and grieve. Please stop telling them to “move on” or insinuating that they’re a bunch of pussies. Be fair. Assuming that I’m resonating with those Trump supporters that claim themselves to not be racist, sexist, misogynistic, or homophobic, talk to your kids about other cultures, other religions, and not chanting “BUILD THAT WALL!” to their Latino classmates like I saw today on the news. They have fear mongered us over the last year and our kids were listening more than we realized, as evident by racist, violent acts throughout the country as I type.

On the topic of children, like I’ve heard many say over these past few days, morals and values are built at home and not taught by our government directly to our children. I totally agree. But within that moral compass that we’re cultivating within our children, government must be a topic of discussion. It’s imperative that our children understand why we’re so passionate about elections as adults, for them to grasp that these offices make very large decisions about our country, our freedom. We can’t ignore all of the commercials that we’ve seen over the last yet and assume they didn’t impact our children . We can’t fail to explain these to our kids. This election has already proven to have a large, grave impact on our children. Please explain why to them. Help them understand.

If this was your first election ever voting, wonderful, tell your children why. If one candidate spoke to you about issues that were important, resonated with you, talk about it. Take the time to do it. Please. We are privileged to live in a country with this democracy. And we’re a passionate species. It’s unjust if your children are just watching this unfold without having some pretty pointed conversations.

We are a nation divided and we must start to move forward and mend. It is our only choice and our only hope. I’m not asking everyone to “come together”. That’s a unicorn. This election year has made it clear that it’s just not possible at times. Friendships and family relationships have been fractured, some beyond repair. Let that be ok. Find your people and stick with them. But put one foot in front of the other overall. Don’t get distracted from life. We will all be ok. We have to be. Don’t create too much anxiety for yourself no matter who your candidate of choice was. It’s energy wasted. Keep living.

People keep telling me to “give Trump a chance”. I have conceded peacefully. It’s my only option.

 

Life Lessons, Social Media

A Lesson For Me On Discrimination.

vanessavnichols

Something outstanding happened to me this past week: I realized not everyone thinks like I do and I realized that I’m not really allowed to have an opinion on certain topics.

This is a bit of sarcasm and I’m exaggerating, of course, but then again… not really.

I had a FaceBook argument (aren’t those the best kind of adult arguments these days?) with someone who, although I haven’t spoken to in person in years, I had considered a friend. He posted something, a video from an outside source, that I considered bigoted and one-sided, lacking any kind of open-mindedness, to which I commented and gave my opinion. Yes, it was the wrong move in today’s FaceBook world, but I wanted to speak out on behalf of a group that is heavily discriminated against, the transgender community, and perhaps use the opportunity to educate, even if it was just one person reading my comment that was able to digest my point of view. I kept it factual as possible, not using any personal experiences, although I have some possible experience on this specific subject.

The friend then took that opportunity to attack me personally, and not just a certain part of me but every part of me because he attacked my parenting skills. He not only attacked my parenting but heavily insinuated that many, many others do, too. Others that I’ve considered friends. Ouch.

I won’t lie, I cried for a couple of hours. And by hours, I mean most of the day. It was shocking to me that people can judge something so harshly that they know very little about, if anything at all.

I believe that when we gravitate towards people, we assume that these people are a lot like us in most ways, that we compliment each other in the ways that we’re different. That’s the hope, anyway, right? But, overall that our personalities are similar, our views are similar, our beliefs, our values, our ethics, all similar. Not the same, but similar.

This obviously evolves through life because when we’re young, we gravitate towards friends on a surface level: they’re other little humans that like to play. In our teen years it becomes a bit more complicated: they’re slightly bigger humans that have similar interests as we do, which starts to segregate the masses a bit. In college years, it becomes even more complicated: they’re humans trying to find themselves and party and learn and figure this adulthood thing out. In adult years, especially with children, it not only becomes even more complicated but it can be downright confusing when those you thought you share so much likeness with can have a difference of opinion on a topic so big that it changes every dynamic you ever shared together.

Lightbulb moment: people aren’t as accepting as they should be.

When I wrote on the subject of my daughter’s gender identity struggle, I knew I was putting myself out there, opening myself up for judgement. I expected it but my naivety truly thought that judgement would mostly come from strangers on the internet, not from those who know me and more importantly, have known my daughter. I was so very wrong. The judgement is coming from many of those close to me and I can feel it. It’s now tangible. And it feels awful.

What I grapple with understanding is why did a post about me supporting my daughter’s independent way of thinking cause so much judgement? Why is it that people feel like there’s room to judge so harshly when they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes, when they haven’t lived it? Why is everyone so afraid of differences? What is everyone so afraid of? Why does everyone want my daughter to fit into a pretty little box that society has labeled as acceptable? Why is it that being dismissive and pretending it isn’t there make everyone so comfortable?

And that’s when it hit me- this is what discrimination looks like. This is what racism looks and feels like. This is what I’ve never tried to understand.

Listen, I confess that I, too, once thought that being transgender was odd and I too didn’t care to try to understand it in my former life, pre-child. I’m not saying I’m not judgmental. We all are. It’s in our DNA. But I will say, I always, always, felt…to each their own.

And there lies the problem: I never tried to understand any of it. I never tried to understand many groups that have historically been discriminated against…until it affected me. It’s sad to say but I never had to try to understand differences on a deeper, broad level. I’ve always considered myself liberal, open-minded, and supportive of those different than me, of course. But I never worked or strived towards understanding those differences, and I now know that’s everything in breaking down the walls of racism and discrimination. Understanding is everything. Truly putting work in to try to understand is the only answer.

Even further than that, I realized that sure, I can have an opinion on certain topics, like the #BlackLivesMatter movement but at the end of the day, I’m not black and no, I don’t know what it feels like to actually feel racism. To say it doesn’t exist is dismissive and ignorant, just as ignorant as saying that transgender individuals are weird or crazy. Discrimination exists far more than we all want to acknowledge because that acknowledgment makes us all uncomfortable. And that discomfort would force us into being responsible for our part in it.

My personal take away from this is that yes, discrimination is alive and well and what I can do is simply try. I can try to understand and empathize with what this feels like. I can try to work towards a solution by opening my mind and saying, “Hey, you know what? There might be a different way of thinking on this subject”, and I want to listen to the other side of things. I want to hear it, even if it makes me uncomfortable.

And after all of this listening and hearing and trying, it might be that my opinion stays the same but I also know and need to acknowledge that it can be very real for someone else, someone that has lived it. It can be their reality and that’s OK. It is their reality and I will never know their reality…and they will never know mine.

But I can try. I can try to be a better human by not thinking my opinion is the right opinion on something that I know nothing about.

 

Life Lessons, Social Media, Uncategorized

How Yoga Selfies Changed My Life

vanessavnichols

I’ve read a few articles bashing the yoga selfie as of late. If you’re not sure what a yoga selfie is, it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s yoga and it’s a selfie and they’re all over Instagram and probably everywhere else in social media land.

There’s quite a bit of controversy suggesting that those that partake in yoga selfies and the social media-based yoga challenges are not “real yogis”. It’s been said that it’s no more than self indulgence and it completely minimizes what yoga is supposed to symbolize, that yoga is supposed to be private and an inward journey, that yoga selfies are narcissistic.

While some can certainly argue all of those points quite well, yoga selfies literally changed my life for the better. I owe my entire true yoga journey to the yoga selfie and want to offer my perspective.

I’ve been doing yoga since 2007. I use that phrase loosely because for approximately the first seven years of my stint, I didn’t really do yoga. I knew the basics, I attended {gym} yoga classes and I knew I liked it. I attended what I now know were vinyasa flow classes but in my small town yoga just wasn’t a thing. There weren’t any dedicated yoga studios at the time and in the random event that one would pop up on a downtown corner, it was closed a month or two later. I was fortunate that the teacher I had was really great and she held my interest. When she left teaching, I somewhat bailed on yoga. My relationship with it was intermittent and I had not a clue as to what a dedicated practice was.

In late 2013, I realized I really needed some form of consistent exercise in my life. I had gained a few pounds and since I’ve always lived with generalized anxiety, it was time to put some work into my physical and emotional self. It only made sense that I reincorporated yoga into my life. Again, just the basics: some sun salutations and stretching, breathing.

I have always been in love with Instagram so one evening, while on a business trip in early 2014, I happened upon this amazing gallery of someone’s yoga poses. Extremely advanced yoga poses. I was absolutely intrigued and had this immediate want to imitate the poses.

{Stay with me here because I know this is where the controversy comes in.}

Yes, I wanted to imitate the poses and stand on my head. This woman was fit and awesome and balanced and quoted so much inspiration in her posts. I wanted to hashtag #inversionsmakeyouhot and just radiate this beautiful art form. I didn’t even know yoga could get this advanced, this intense, this beautiful. I was beyond inspired.

I quickly learned that, surprise, surprise, it wasn’t that easy. Apparently standing on your head required work to get there. Physical work, sure, but also? Emotional work. In my case, fear was a huge factor. I wanted to face my fears but it also made me dive deeper. I wanted to understand the poses- the asanas- and I wanted to understand why they were beneficial. It sparked this need in me to understand, research and learn…yoga. In its truest form.

I soon started to follow every yoga Instagram superstar I could find, as well as other amateurs like myself. I could not even believe the community I found in this little space of social media. All of the yoga challenges became a part of my daily routine which, yes, had actual prizes at the end of the month but I didn’t particulate in them for tangible things. I just wanted to learn, I wanted to be inspired, motivated by others and possibly inspire others.

I found myself so inspired that I would go to the local bookstore to read about the history of yoga, chakras, different styles of yoga, different teachers, and all of the benefits yoga has on the mind, body and spirit. I hadn’t felt so passionate about anything in my life as far back as I could remember. It felt so incredible to have this connection with yoga. With a new lifestyle.

It just so happened that 2014 was also the worst year of my personal life, so all of this knowledge could not have come at a better time. Yoga saw me through a divorce and major family illnesses. Through navigating becoming a single mom and through a broken heart. Through career upheavals and through soul searching. I turned to yoga every.single.day. for solitude and healing. Who knew that yoga could do all of this if you do it correctly?

And speaking of correctly, I am an unorthodox yogi so I truly don’t believe in doing yoga wrong, (assuming you’re learning correct alignment from an experienced teacher). I’m not vegan, I don’t meditate as much as I’d like to, I don’t practice for 90 minutes a day, I don’t love some of the yoga styles, I don’t know about every chakra or even every asana Sanskrit name. What I know is that yoga is when I breathe through life. It’s when I feel the most connected with myself and when I can get my mind to settle down. It’s when I feel good about my body and all its imperfections and its limitations. It’s when I accept that backbends may never be my thing and my shoulders and hamstrings are much too tight. It’s just…practice of so many things, it’s a journey. And yoga selfies started all of the above for me.

I never reached any kind of Instagram popularity with my own yoga selfies, nor did I aspire to. I don’t participate in challenges much anymore or even post many yoga selfies. Yoga selfies were just a starting point for me into something much more deep and meaningful and for that, I am forever grateful.

Respect others journey into yoga, try not to judge. That yogi that you’re dismissing as narcissistic on Instagram may just be changing someone’s life.