You’re in the thick of it. The pain is almost unbearable. You’re close to not functioning. You’re wondering if you’ll ever make sense out of anything, ever. Your life is unrecognizable. You’re not eating or sleeping. Your emotions go from anger to sadness to almost homicidal.
I get it. I was you. I still am you on some days.
I walked in on my husband with another woman. That was, and quite possibly could remain, the worst day in my life. There was the me before that date and there’s the me after that date. Two totally different versions of myself. Two totally different lives.
You’re in the trenches of this… This hell of figuring out who you married. This hell of wrapping your mind around sharing your husband with another woman, physically, emotionally. This hell of wondering what the fuck is wrong with you that he went down this road.
Was I too controlling?
Was I too fat?
Was I too ugly?
Did I not give him enough sex?
Was I boring?
How long did this go on?
Does he love her?
These questions, the wanting to know everything, every little detail, of the affair, the “why”, even the denial, it’s all there, sitting in you. Literally feeling your entire body breaking from the pain. It’s visceral. Floating through days in this thick fog. Not knowing if your words and conversations make sense. Trying to engage in life but the difficulty is unprecedented.
Then there’s the hatred for her. The need to even blame her. The other woman. The home wrecker. The slut. The husband stealer. The whore. Oh, the many names I had for her.
Perhaps you’re obsessed with her, if you’re at all like I was. You might social media stalk her, google her, maybe you even want to talk to her, scream at her, punch her in the face. Your thoughts might scare you, maybe. They did me. You might be comparing yourself to her. She’s most likely very different from you, physically and otherwise. Maybe you hate that. You hate that he was drawn to the opposite of you. The physical imagery is too much to process. The intimacy that was supposed to stay between you and him no longer exists.
I saw this with my own eyes. I lived the moment and didn’t have the luxury of just imagining it. I completely lost my shit that day. Completely and fully disassembled. I was violent towards him, punching him in the face, and I proceeded to destroy every painting in our home, the home we once shared, the paintings he painted that I once loved. I threw them in a pile in the middle of the floor, all the while in complete hysterics, near hyperventilation. Appropriate response? Absolutely. And I dare to have anyone tell me it wasn’t.
You are forming your own response right now and regardless of what that is, it’s the right response. You’re descending into your process. It’s just the beginning of your process of grief.
And lets not forget about you.
You are going to be ok. Actually, you are going to be better than ok. You are going to be better than you ever thought you could be.
I know you don’t want to hear that yet, I understand. The pain and confusion is too raw.
Live the pain, live the confusion, even embrace it, because it’s in the process of breaking you down so you can rebuild yourself into who you’re supposed to be. Read that sentence again because it is the absolute truth.
You don’t deserve to have to share, and I don’t mean your husband, I mean you. You don’t deserve to have to share yourself with someone who doesn’t respect your value. You were with someone who was cowardly enough to put the work into managing a double life because he thought he deserved all that he wanted. He wanted the family life over here and the fun life over there; the best of both worlds to him. But just remember how exhausted he is from all of this lying and managing. He’s tired. This always takes a toll. And my guess is he’s probably sick in some way. For my husband, it was substance abuse but perhaps its just old fashion narcissism… but this is not for you to figure out. Don’t be distracted by excuses.
This betrayal has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It isn’t about what you did or didn’t do, it isn’t about who is prettier or more fun. This is about his fucked up way of thinking. This is about him and him alone. Let go of every negative thought about yourself and your contribution to this. It isn’t there. Let it go.
There will not be traditional closure. Questions will pop into your mind months later. The same questions you had from day one might go unanswered. That’s ok. The sooner you acknowledge that these answers do not matter, the sooner you can start to heal. Knowing the answers to some questions might do more harm than good. Know what you know: your husband was living a lie. That’s enough. Let it be enough to move on.
Forgive him. You will need to eventually. You certainly will not forget but forgiveness is such an important component to this saga. Work hard on forgiveness. It’s a process and it won’t come easy, but work on it. Bitterness will rear it’s head but you’ll suppress it because it doesn’t make any sense to let it take over.
Don’t play the victim for long. You’re better than that. Be sad that it happened, grieve the loss, however that looks for you, but this is something that happened. Don’t let it define you.
You will move on and you will live. You will laugh and mean it soon. You will feel joy soon. You will get to know yourself in a different way. Make this time about your needs, your wants, and what makes your soul smile without a partner. When is the last time you’ve done that?
For now, you’re in pain, no doubt about that. Maybe more pain that you’ve ever experienced. But it’s fleeting.
Take many deep breaths everyday and soon enough you will be breathing new air. Air that isn’t full of lies, deceit, and pain. Air that is full of healing is around the corner. I promise.